Guys have been hating on women forever calling them “basic white girl” and consider it an insult to be so basic. It’s about time that women point out just how badly basic a guy can really be. Women notice it, they’ve just never felt the need to point it out until now.
You guys reading this are probably huffing and puffing right now thinking there’s no way you could be a basic guy and that women are just trying to retaliate for the constant woman-bashing.
The fact of the matter is, basic bros exist and they’re a lot worse than basic white girls because they’re generally sexist without ever realizing it, righteous about their opinions, obnoxious, and the type of guys that women want to be nowhere near on nights out.
Not all basic bros are bad though, and if you find out you’re one, you can change it if you want. Besides, it’s always better than being a pretentious prick trust fund bro. Everybody hates those guys.
If you’re beginning to feel annoyed at the thought of possibly being called a basic bro and want to comment how stupid this article is without even reading it, then perhaps you should continue reading and check yourself out.
If you hit several of these points, then you should probably start considering yourself to be a basic bro. For the sake of the rest of us, please read this with an open mind ready to accept your basic nature.
1. You think that you’re edgy because you love watching Mumford & Sons. Everyone should totally think you’re cool now.
2. You still don’t know what a clitoris is, and really don’t care to learn but blame any bedroom problems on your partner instead.
3. You enjoy criticizing others without giving alternatives and take a special kind of joy in name-calling when you have nothing useful to add to any conversation.
4. Seth MacFarlane is the funniest guy out there and you’ve watched every movie he’s ever been in.
5. You listen to conversations that don’t interest you for only a short moment before butting in and saying “Who cares?” as if everyone involved was waiting for your opinion.
6. You think drinking in a hot tub with your bros is “making it.”
7. You wait on the edge of your seat for the next Jason Statham movie to come out because you clearly don’t think that they’re all the same with different characters.
8. You know for a fact that you are unbiased and that makes you see things more clearly. You then take this sudden clarity and try to shove it down everyone else’s throats because you think you’re the only one who can see it clearly. Examples: mansplaining, gay rights, polygamy.
9. You have that J.Crew gingham short and thinks it’s really classy.
10. You call everyone a b**** un-ironically and believe that it applies.
11. Facts and logic have no hold over you. They don’t really mean anything when compared to your opinion.
12. When you hear someone of another race or gender complaining about bias, you say things like “How come white men aren’t allowed to complain about that?” You should really annoy yourself when you say this, but somehow you don’t.
13. The Chive is your favorite website and you visit it regularly.
14. You think you’ve been unfairly treated because you’re a white guy and everyone is out to hate on the white guy now.
15. You think you know what other people should do or could do even if you aren’t like them at all and have never been in their situation or even close. (See Gene Marks’ piece If I Was A Poor Black Kid”).
16. You’re always trying to reclaim your high school/college glory days of drinking and sex even though all you did was binge drink and have selfish three-minute sex. Come to think of it, you may still fit this criterion.
17. You call your mom “Mama Duke.”
18. All of your stories involve a time you and your buddies got drunk at least five years ago because that was the life.
19. You think having a GQ subscription makes you classy and intellectual.
20. Your favorite memories include drinking and puking, getting in fights, getting arrested, eating junk food, and/or blacking out. Multiple times. On multiple occasions.
21. You think wearing your cap backwards is cool.
22. You have a group text with your bros to talk about sports, naked girls, and drinking but pretend like you’re annoyed when your phone keeps getting texts.
23. Epic and snowflakes are your favorite words and used as often as “the.”
24. Your go to move is taking your shirt off at inappropriate times like in the snow, or on the dance floor.
25. You have catcalled women you don’t know from a friend’s car while hanging out of their window. Girls don’t want no scrubs.
26. Coachella is your absolute favorite.
27. Any movie that has gangsters with lots of guns and golf chains is a favorite of yours. In fact, any movie with shooting, Kung-Fu, or an obscene amount of violence is a must see even if it’s all in another language and black and white.
28. You wear tank tops with way-too-low cut arm holes because you think that’s ever been an okay thing.
29. You live for Entourage.
30. You love watching Daniels Tosh and laughing at his jokes because he’s your favorite comedian.
31. Your home has sports caps hanging on the wall for display.
32. You refer to your wife as “the old ball and chain” and don’t see how that could possibly be offensive.
33. You still love Breaking Bad and watch the reruns as if you’ve never seen them.
34. Vegas is your favorite place even if you’ve never been there. If you have, you bring it up in any conversation about travelling.
35. You use anything made by Axe. (Except the bats, those are understandable).
36. You have used beer cans on a shelf to make a statement in your home because you think it’s artsy.
37. You love Radiohead and blink182 and have all of their songs.
38. Everything is a “sh*t show” or “cluster f***” and none of that is ever your fault.
39. You have at least one poster of Michael Jordan or LeBron James in your home.
40. You think it’s sexy when girls are good at “guy stuff” like drinking, fishing, playing Duck Hunter, or hunting.
41. Dirty magazines have a permanent home beside your toilet because that’s totally classy and will make any girl want to hang around. Can we just try to never have those magazines swabbed?
42. Your Tinder pic is you and your bros in polyester suits at a wedding, in front of a tiger or lion at some tourist trap in Southeast Asia, or holding up a bunch of birds on a guy’s only hunting trip.
43. You are always commenting passionately with political incorrectness on VICE posts because you think your voice should be heard even if other people don’t like it.
44. You always buy a round of fireball shots at the bar every damn time you are there with the guys.
45. You think Crazy Town is a super underrated band.
46. You would date a black girl but wouldn’t know how to handle the cultural differences.
47. Your sister is blocked on all of your social media accounts and for good reason. She doesn’t need to see your shenanigans and ridiculously shared pictures of nude women.
48. You walk into bars with your bros and comment about all the hot chicks there but don’t talk to a single girl. If you do, you blunder it by acting like a complete noob.
49. You think salt and pepper are the only seasonings ever needed but can’t live without Tabasco.
50. You own a string backpack in any form, from any event that you still have for some reason.
For all of you who have just realizes you are a basic bro, don’t worry, life isn’t over. Consider this a wakeup call to keep your opinions without solutions inside your mouth and stop thinking that your brain can solve the problems of the universe.
Trust me, people will take notice and you’ll suddenly find that your friends are much more willing to listen to what you have to say. In fact, you’ll even have more friend than you did. Amazing.
Just try to take a step back and realize that you don’t have all the answers and you never will. That’s okay because no one does.
It is perfectly acceptable to sit out a conversation once or twice because you have no input and people will think you for not always trying to be the center of attention. On the other hand, if these criteria match you to a T and you love who you are, then just go with it. Own it and rock it. You’ve got this!