Relationship dynamics aren’t easy. If someone dominates you, or has “one up” chances are you don’t enjoy the relationship and you feel like you might lose them.
Falling in love and being out of control activates the same part of the brain. The problem is, the moment someone starts feeling in control, this the moment they start falling out of love.
Really balanced relationships where both parties know they love one another but still try to impress one another (because they want to keep the other party satisfied so as to avoid them leaving) tend to be happy ones.
Sometimes relationships aren’t that balanced though. In fact, often they aren’t. This can be because one party fears they’re dating someone out of their league, or because they are afraid due to past experience, or they are going through a period when they are emotionally needy. It can also be that the other party has a period when they are emotionally unavailable, or simply don’t have much time to invest in the relationship even if they want to. As a result, the other person is now dominating the relationship. And the more you want them, the more they push you away, sensing your insecurity and/or emotional need.
These kind of relationship dynamics are sometimes established early on; some women even thrive on feeling they have one up on their guy because it appeals to their biological need of knowing the man will be there to provide for the family. However, it’s still a turn-off.
Other times a well balanced relationships change when outside factors change. Maybe something happens to make one of you lose confidence, like the inability to get a job, or the discovery of infertility and suddenly you feel inferior and have fear of losing the other person, so you start putting their wellbeing and your need to keep them above your own wellbeing. It’s not sexy and rather than make you feel better and more confident, it will make you feel worse. You won’t win them over that way.
Instead let’s have a look at the signs telling you she has one up on you and how to change that.
Signs She’s Dominating the Relationship
How do you know she has one up on you? There are some telltale signs:
- you call her/text her more than she calls/texts you
- you’re the one pushing for dates/more time spent together
- you get anxious waiting for her to call/text/show signs she’s into you/attracted to you
- you’re the one remembering birthday’s/anniversaries and put in more effort to gifts than she does
- you focus more on the overall relationship than she does
- she assumes your hers, but you don’t know if she’s yours
- you start feeling she’s out of your league (in whatever way – financially, physically, intellectually…)
Of course, in the beginning when just having met someone chances are you both feel this way. You’re both insecure/seeking assurance. You’re in love, you feel out of control. If the balance suddenly, or gradually shifts to one of you trying harder than the other, that’s when you need to stop and reassess the situation, so you can take steps to get that magic feeling back again…
Basic Things to Do to Regain Balance
Putting yourself first is all you have to do, but if you need some ideas for what that means, here are some:
- make sure you set time aside for your own wellbeing, such as going to the gym, going for hikes, etc.
- spend time with your friends there are a ton of Meetup Groups, InterNations events, etc. in all big cities if you feel like expanding your circle of friends too
- set time aside for your hobbies (agin Meetup Groups usually have cool events for various interests too)
- get clear on your career goals and take action to achieve them
- if there are some things in relationships you don’t know/understand, you set about finding out so that you build confidence
- stop moping about nothing that went wrong yesterday and set about making today great; what can you do right now to create what you love?
This, in turn, should mean:
- you don’t shift our now busy diary around to accommodate your date
- you don’t sit waiting for texts/calls because you’re too busy living your life
- you don’t reply to texts straight away and aren’t always available for calls, because you have too much to do
- you feel confident because you’re living in accordance with who you truly are and busy creating a life you love and confidence is sexy
Basically your relationship should balance itself out doing this, but imbalances in relationships tend to spring from underlying stuff in our mind too. That’s why you should keep reading…
How to Create Balance Starting with You – Confidence
Creating balance in a relationship starts with creating emotional balance in yourself. There are plenty of things you can do to achieve this.
A lot of emotional wellbeing springs from true confidence in yourself. These are a few things you can do to create confidence:
- look after yourself physically; work out, eat well, dress well, spend time in nature and sleep well
- spend time with people who appreciate you
- set small goals every day and achieve them; simple things that give you a level of achievement
- write a list of things you appreciate about yourself
- get a life coach to help you achieve bigger goals and see what you’re missing in your life to feel satisfied
- differentiate between what you truly want and what your ego wants so you stop wasting time on unnecessary goals
- do as Tim Ferriss in The 4-Hour Work Week and start challenging yourself to do all the things that make you feel uncomfortable i.e. the things that are outside your comfort zone (because if it’s uncomfortable on some level you fear it and busting fears build confidence); you can even read Tim Ferriss’ take on it – it’s brilliant
- read this article I wrote on why women love dominant men
Most of us need a bit of an emotional tune up in our lives from time to time. Even if we don’t need a tune up we are all able to grow; the moment things get stagnant they start to die, so don’t let yourself get stagnant! Rather always grow and develop as a person. It keeps things interesting and it will make you feel happy in yourself; thereby regaining your equilibrium. Here are a couple of things you can try:
- therapy can be great way of unearthing things you can’t see yourself, or simply to get the support you need to grow…besides everyone in Hollywood has a shrink, so you might just want to try finding out what it feels like to have an A-star lifestyle for a while…
- keep a diary to explore how you feel and why; see your own emotional triggers, then set goals and start practicing how you truly wish to feel in different situations instead of being a slave to your own emotions reactions
- stop taking action/speaking when you are emotionally triggered; go for a walk, sleep on it, etc. before you do
- spend time doing things that make you happy
- get rid of unnecessary stressors in your life
- take up meditation, or breathing work
- as mentioned above, eating and sleeping well, plus working out will make you feel better and help you balance any chemicals out of whack that might make you grumpy, sad or angry
- take time off to yourself ever so often
There are also some books that are great to read when on the search for overall emotional wellbeing and happiness:
- The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
- The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz
- Stop Thinking and Start Living by Richard Carlson
The Overall Relationship
There are sometimes other things missing in a relationship which can cause trouble. If you are emotionally closed, if you don’t know how to express love in a way she understands, if you allow her to dominate you in the wrong situations, if you feel sexually inadequate, if you aren’t able to communicate in a way she understands, or don’t understand her…all that can lead to imbalances. Relationships are tricky…but they are well worth it when you rise above the challenges and create wonderful ones. You can do that.