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Funny and Witty Answers to the Question “How Are You?”

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When someone asks how you are doing, it is naturally to respond with an “I’m fine, thank you.” It just feels like another habitual response that you never really think about. If you are tired of having the same boring answer, then try out these funny and witty answers to the question “How are you?” There are a wide variety of different options, so find the one that works best for you.

Witty Answers to “How Are You?” Texts

First up on the list is what to say if someone messages you and asks “How are you?” You are tired of just saying okay, so try out one of these improved options.

1. I don’t know. Is it Friday yet?
2. My psychiatrist said that I shouldn’t discuss this with strangers.
3. I’m doing a bit better than before, but not nearly as well as I’m going to be.
4. I’m feeling blessed!
5. I have a pulse, so I must be doing alright.
6. Better than some, but not as well as others.
7. Doing fairly well, unless you have some airborne disease and are about to infect me.
8. Much better than I deserve.
9. I think I’m doing alright. How do you think that I’m doing?
10. I don’t feel that awesome, but at least me hair looks amazing.
11. I’m doing well . . . or, that could be my anti-depressants talking.
12. I can’t really complain, but I’ll still try.
13. Alright so far, but there is plenty of time for things to get worse.
14. Each day is better than the next.
15. Don’t ask—it’s still too early to tell.
16. Medium-well. (Are you a steak or something?)

”How Are You?” Answers for When You Are Not Okay

While you want to just say that you are fine, the truth is that nothing is okay. If this is the case, then you can at least show how you are feeling through a witty, sarcastic response.

1. Could be better . . . Well, it could also be worse.
2. I’m still breathing.
3. Different day, but the same existence.
4. Better than nothing, I guess.
5. Just navigating all the twists and turns of life. I hope you are taking the straight road.
6. They said you would ask me that.
7. I’ll let you know when I figure out the answer.
8. Do you want an honest response or the answer you expected?
9. Trying to just get on with life. How are you?
10. Somewhere between meh and just blah.
11. Well, I’m still alive at least.
12. Just give me a hug, and we’ll leave it at that.
13. So much better now that you asked.
14. Trying not to burst into tears, but at least I get an “A” for effort.
15. I’m still vertical and breathing.

Easy, Funny Answers to the Question “How Are You?”

If you aren’t sure if you want to be flirty, upbeat or down in the dumps, then these options are easy to go with. They range from witty to just plain silly. You can always modify the following responses to personalize them for your situation.

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1. I could really go for a massage, now that you asked.
2. Do you actually care?
3. Somewhere between doing better and best.
4. What do you want?
5. Much better now that you’re here with me.
6. Like a pig in a butcher shop.
7. I was doing fine until you asked that.
8. Armed and ready for anything!
9. I’d say I’m a ___ out of 10.
10. I’ve heard good things, but you should never listen to all the rumors.
11. My lawyers tell me that I don’t have to answer that question.
12. Oh, stop it, you. (Say it like you just got a compliment.)
13. At minding my own business? Much better than everyone else.
14. Like you, but only better.
15. I am as happy as a tick on a hog.
16. I’ve been going over some ups and downs. Is everything that bumpy on your side?
17. So far, so good!
18. If I were doing any better, I’d be you.
19. As fine as a maiden’s silken hair.
20. I love you. (Wait and see their reaction to this response!)
21. If I were doing any better, I’d be able to hire you to enjoy life with me.

Flirty Answers to “How Are You?

You don’t have to wait until later in the conversation to start flirting! You can get a running start on your flirting game by using one of these responses. These range from being exceptionally bold and obvious to more subtle flirting.

1. Much better now that you are there.
2. What an impertinent question to ask a young girl (guy)!
3. Incredibly attractive, thank you.
4. Great, but I might be biased.
5. In bed? Amazing. Do you want to see?
6. I am so great that I have to sit down on my hands to stop myself from clapping.
7. I’d be doing much better if you would just ask me out already.
8. Everything is always fine when you’re around.
9. The best I can be.
10. I’d be much better if you gave me a kiss.
11. I’m just living the dream, so don’t wake me up. There’s plenty of room though, so join me!

Funny Responses to “How Are You?”

If you are just looking for a funny answer to the question, “How are you?”, then these are bound to work well. Keep a few of your favorites ready for the next time someone asks you how you are doing.

1. If I were doing any better, it’d be illegal.
2. I have no way of knowing that.
3. Not that well. Does that bother you?
4. Can’t complain, but no one would listen to me anyway.
5. Nothing much. (Let that sink in a moment.)
6. Maybe one day you’ll be lucky enough to find out.
7. Living a dream, so please don’t wake me.
8. Better now that I get to talk to you.
9. Overworked and underpaid.
10. Awesome and dandy like cotton candy.
11. DO I have to answer that?
12. Good, unless the weather has something different in mind.
13. I can’t complain—they said that it’s against company policy.
14. Strange, but I’m getting stranger.
15. I don’t know, you tell me. How am I doing right now?
16. Doing well unless you plan on shooting me.
17. I haven’t had my morning coffee yet, but no one has gotten hurt, so I’d say I’m doing okay.
18. Average. Not amazing or awful. Just average.
19. Word on the street says I’m doing pretty good.
20. Good enough, I suppose.
21. I’ve heard a lot of opinions on that. What’s yours?
22. Compared to who exactly?
23. There’s always room for improvement.
24. Let’s just say that if I had a tail, I’d wag it.
25. How am I . . . at what?
26. Happy and content, thank you very much.
27. Doing great, but I hope this status quo remains for the rest of the day.
28. Pretty standard right now.
29. Why do you ask that? Are you a doctor?
30. Metaphysically? Spiritually? Physically? Philosophically? I’m not sure what you mean.
31. Good enough to chat if you want to.
32. Not that great, but I plan on lying at the press conference.

Unique Responses to the Same Old Question

You are one of a kind, so it is only natural that you want a response other than “I’m fine, thank you.” If you want to show how unique or clever you are, then the following responses are a good option to go with. Pick your favorite and rest assured that your friends probably haven’t heard any of these options before.

1. Pretty good since my name wasn’t listed in the obituaries.
2. Fair to partly cloudy with a chance of meatballs.
3. As opposed to . . . what, exactly?
4. In order to really answer that question, we need to go back about 10 years. Do you have some spare time?
5. I’m doing much better on the inside than I appear to be on the outside.
6. I’m not quite sure yet.
7. Just wondering how you are.
8. Stellar on the outside, dead on the inside.
9. It’s a secret.
10. It’s taking a while, but slowly and surely dying.
11. Not nearly as good as you.
12. Not bad, but it definitely could be better. It could be payday.
13. Currently under renovation, I think.
14. Well, you’re looking at it.
15. I would be lying if I said I was just fine.
16. The doctor said I’d live.
17. I’ll leave that answer to your imagination.
18. Suspiciously close to being fabulous.
19. Just waiting for my nap.
20. There’s just sunshine and a balmy breeze all day long.
21. Imaging my life on a fabulous beach somewhere.
22. I’m just high-quality.
23. That’s a really interesting question.
24. They said that I’d be living the dream, but they never told me it was a true nightmare.
25. I’m just trying to avoid any ambiguous questions right now.
26. What’s with the 20 questions? Are you a cop?
27. Living a life of denial broken by suppressed rage.
28. Would you rather get the short version or the long version?
29. Terribly, but at least I’m used to it.
30. Holy ****! You can see me!?!?!
31. You answer first, and we’ll compare.
32. Next question, please.
33. Horrible, now that I’ve met you.
34. Just dancing along to the rhythm of life. It’s too bad I’m tone-deaf.



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