Thinking of Facebook statuses is kind of easy, don’t you think? However, trying to think of something that will make your followers and friends crack up? That’s a little more difficult to do on your own. Sometimes you need a little help in getting them LOL-ing in real life. Not all of us are born with the funny gene inside of our DNA. Instead we look to the internet to lend us a hand. Nothing wrong with that! That’s what we are here for. To help you out! Having a funny Facebook status will not only give you an ego boost, but it will also cheer up some of the friends and followers that you have on social media. So take a peek below at some of the funniest, grin inducing statuses we could muster up! Use a different one every day for 100 days with these 100 awesome, best and funny statuses!
Hilarious Facebook Statuses To Use Any Day Of The Week:
1. Do you think they invented a wireless mouse so you can’t strangle someone with it in the office?
2. I dislike the word ‘stalker’. I prefer people say something along the lines of ‘unpaid private investigator’.
3. If you boil a clown, would you end up with a laughing stock?
4. Jeeze, I make one tiny mess up and suddenly my pharmacist is writing ‘by mouth’ on all of my medications.
5. I farted on the bus today and four different people turned around to look at me. I felt like I was a contestant on The Voice.
6. It’s funny because when you grow up you start loving all of the things that you hated as a kid… Like taking naps and getting spanked.
7. They say that dogs are man’s best friend, but I don’t even have any enemies that stare deeply into my eyes while taking a crap on my floor.
8. I have started a new exercise routine. I do twenty sit ups every morning. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but you can only hit your snooze button so many times.
9. Facebook is like a fridge. Even if you know there’s nothing good in there you keep checking back every five minutes anyways.
10. I don’t understand why the heck someone would break into my house just to steal a remote control, I mean- Nevermind found it!
11. Who knew being an adult would involve so much tylenol, advil and ibuprofen?
12. I ate a shepard’s pie for lunch. He was pretty mad at me afterwards.
13. Stress balls definitely work. But only when you are shoving them down someone’s throat.
14. I’m not even mad that Disney is lying about Prince Charmings being real, but I am a little peeved that there aren’t woodland creatures who actually come to clean your house.
15. You know what I need? A leaf blower, but one for people.
16. Hurricanes, fires, tigers on the loose… Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to knock it off.
17. Always carry a knife with you. You never know when a cake might appear.
18. There was a man in front of me at the store buying condoms. When the cashier asked if he needed a bag the guy responded, “No, she isn’t that ugly bro.”
19. Anything can be considered a ‘real job’ as long as you hate it enough.
20. I wish that I could match my dogs excitement to go outside.
21. Facebook should add a ‘So what’ button next to the ‘Like’ button.
22. At the stroke of midnight, August 31st, a pumpkin spice latte appeared!
23. I know that it’s just a scam, but when the Prince of Nigeria checks in with me it makes me feel loved.
24. Never buy crystal meth from a guy or girl with a full set of teeth. They are obviously undercover cops!
25. I am deleting the word common sense out of the dictionary, because it obviously doesn’t exist anymore.
26. I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
27. The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
28. I carry a magnum size condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper. Someday my prince will come to me.
29. Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimer’s.
30. To this day, the guy who used to bully me in school takes my lunch money. But on the bright side he now makes really good Subs at Subway.
31. Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
32. Aren’t all shoes technically buy one get the other free?
33. The best feature of the iPhone is the feature that keeps you from getting pushed in the pool.
34. When I order coffee or whatever from starbucks and they ask me for my name I like to look at their name tag and then just say their name and then they’re always like nooo wayyy that’s my name too and then I’m also like noo wayyy and I always expect them to give me something for free because we have the same name but they never do
35. I hate it when I’m singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong
36. when a girl says she’ll be ready in 5 more minutes, it’s the same as when a guy says the game has 5 minutes left.
37. You know you’re getting old when the guys from the “cialis” commercials are starting to look hot.
38. Women love the winter because they don’t have to shave their legs. I think it’s time for me to shave though…my giraffe tattoo has a mustache!
39. 1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don’t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.
40. Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
41. If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
42. Wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
43. My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn’t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
44. One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day…
45. I used to play sports alot. Until, recently I realized that trophies are much cheaper than I ever imagined they were. You know what, now I’m good at everything.
46. I could talk about myself for hours. But the second someone asks me to tell them a little bit about myself? I can’t even remember my name.
47. Mom always said not to write on walls…but apparently on Facebook you can.
48. Warning!!! Aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy, beautiful people!! Don’t worry…you are OK. I just wanted to say “good-bye!”
49. I only seem to wake up when I can’t hold my pee in any longer.
50. I’m pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people’s fights.
51. I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
52. Some people are like Slinkies – not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.
53. A lot of beautiful people are stupid. There’s a tremendous amount of idiots who look so good. It’s frightening.
54. There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”.
55. What number SPF actually blocks people? Someone let me know.
56. There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
57. Telling someone that you’re going to bed, When you’re actually not, and then having to hold back from posting things on Facebook.
58. If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.
59. If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids, why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
60. That awkward moment when someone *Likes* One of your Very old Facebook statuses and you think “Creeper”.
61. My grandma has always told me that if you have nothing good to say then don’t say anything at all, yet people still wonder why I am so quiet (:
62. That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
63. That awkward moment when you’re trying to ignore a call and accidentally answer it.
64. Most of adulthood is just sitting here deleting emails and wondering where you went wrong in your life.
65. The translation for when someone says “Nevermind” is “I should have listened the first time, but I didn’t”.
66. Relationships always start out as “You’re smart and funny.” and end up as “You think you know everything and it’s all a joke to you!”
67. If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
68. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police
69. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
70. Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
71. I hate when a couple argues in public and I miss the beginning of it. I don’t know what side to be on at that point!
72. If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
73. Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
74. Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
75. The last thing that I want to do is hurt you. But, don’t get it twisted, it’s definitely still on the list. At the very end.
76. I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I’m in whey over my head.
77. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
78. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
79. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
80. You lost your phone and it’s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
81. Start each day out with a positive thought. In example: I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours!
82. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
83. If you can’t remember my name all you have to do is say ‘donuts’ and I’ll turn around.
84. “Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless.” -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
85. Who is this ‘Moderation’ they keep telling me to drink with all of the time?
86. Shouldn’t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”
87. Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
88. I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say “See? This is the reason I am like I am.”
89. Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you’ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
90. That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she’s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod…
91. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
92. A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
93. According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
94. So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
95. ust noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
96. Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
97. Putting your finger on someone’s lips and saying “Shhhh… Not another word.” is super-romantic. But the cop didn’t think so.
98. To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn’t easy.
99. I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
100. Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line?