Nothing is worse than realizing that you were played. Obviously, your first goal is to avoid guys who seem like players. Unfortunately, most players will not come out and tell you that they plan on playing you. At first, it seems like a perfectly normal relationship. As time goes on, you start to realize that something is just not right. When you realize that you were played, you feel betrayed and embarrassed.
You are not alone. Even intelligent, mature women get played every now and again. It is nothing that you did wrong. In reality, it is more about what you did right. You were trusting and had faith in your partner. Both of these things are good things for a long-term relationship and any relationship counselor would tell you that these are necessary qualities in a relationship. The only problem is that the player did not feel the same way about you.
You were deceived because you ended up trusting someone that you had a relationship with. Perhaps you realized within a few weeks, or maybe it took years before you realized that he had other women on the side. Now that you realize that you were played, you have to know where to go from here.
Before you can figure out how to get over it, you have to realize where you went wrong. What exactly did you get out of the relationship in the beginning? You may have received emotional benefits like:
– Sexual satisfaction
– Excitement from being desired
– Temporary emotional fulfillment
While there were certainly some benefits of being in the relationship, there were probably some negative emotions as well. At first, it may have felt like everything about your relationship was perfect. As the disconnect between who he is and who he said he was became more obvious, you may have experienced things like:
Once you realized the extent of the betrayal, you may have initially felt hurt, confused and indecisive. You wanted to be with him, but now you have to decide when and how to leave. You may resent him for the pain he caused you and feel oppressed by the emotions that are tumbling through your mind.
Before you can really move on, you have to understand what kept you stuck in the relationship. A small part of you sensed that something was off, but you stayed in the relationship anyways. To reflect on why you stayed, ask yourself these questions:
1. Did you ever ask him about the behavior you did not understand?
2. What caused you to fall in love with him?
3. Did you fantasize about him or did he fulfill you sexually?
4. Did he always seem to understand what you were thinking or feeling?
5. Were you in denial about what was actually going on?
6. Did you ever want to say “no” to requests that seemed odd or morally wrong?
7. Did you want to point out his inconsistencies or tell him that he was manipulating you?
8. Did he provide you with attention or comfort?
9. What did you want to do when you noticed something was wrong?
10. Did you ignore your gut instincts about him?
11. What did you do when you realize that he was just playing you?
When you realized that he was just using you, how did you respond? Some people immediately break up with their partner, but this is not always easy. If you spent months or years with him, you may try to convince himself that he really did care and will actually change. You get that he is selfish and immoral, but a part of you may have thought that he would change. Now, you finally realize how wrong you were. You are angry, jealous and betrayed. Worse still, you are humiliated and embarrassed that you still hoped he would change after being betrayed so terribly.
Getting Over the Relationship
First things first, you have to stop blaming yourself. You are not responsible for him being a jerk. He deliberately misled you and acting immorally. Your only possible crime is being a good person who trusts your partner. While many people blame themselves for not seeing it, it is not their fault.
Unfortunately, it is easier to decide not to feel guilty than it is to actually not feel guilty. Your sense of betrayal and guilt can last for months afterward. All you can do is stay busy and work on moving on.
One way that you can handle your feelings is to find someone that you trust. Talk to them about your feelings. Talking can help you work through any sense of guilt or sadness that you feel. If there is no one nearby that you feel comfortable around, you can get professional help. A psychologist or a counselor can help you recover. Talking might sound simple, but it can actually help greatly with healing.
As you work through your feelings, try to stay busy. Get a new hobby or spend more time with your friends. Staying busy can help you focus on something else and start rebuilding your life. The worst thing you can do is stay home alone and obsess over the past. You don’t want to start dating yet, but you need to start rebuilding your life.
When you do decide that it is time to start dating, make sure that you are fully ready. Think about how your ex-boyfriend behaved. In hindsight, you may be able to recognize telltale signs that he was playing you. Remember these telltale signs because they will help you spot other players in the future. You cannot change the past, but you can use it to make better choices in the future. Hopefully, your next boyfriend will deserve your trust and treat you like you deserve to be treated.