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How to Make Yourself Sick

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Everybody needs a day off every once in a while. We live in a world that focuses far too much on work and not enough on making sure you’re getting everything you need. That being said, you may need to fake sick every now and then.

The trouble is, faking sick can be pretty dangerous if you’re caught. Your boss gets mad, you get in trouble, and then work is awkward for a long time and they have a hard time letting you have the day off when you really are sick! The good thing is there’s a solution to all of this:

You learn how to make yourself sick. No, not really. But you have to learn how to trick anyone into thinking you’re actually sick by mimicking the symptoms of actually being sick. If this sounds difficult to you, have no fear. Here’s the easy way to do it.

Have Early Symptoms

One of the best ways to make sure your “illness” seems real is to voice your discomforts the day before you want to pretend to be sick. This is really useful because not too many illnesses start overnight and are bad enough that you’d need to take the whole day off. The truth is, they start slowly with mild symptoms one to two days before. It’s even more reliable if you have coworkers that notice these symptoms and mention it to your boss when they tell all of them you’re out sick. You can use these methods to do this.

  1. Complain about having a mild headache.
  2. Sniffle loudly every now and then.
  3. Clear your throat from time to time.
  4. Tell a coworker that you’re feeling a little zapped of energy.

Fake a Fever

Fevers are no fun and they tend to make you feel exhausted, shaky, and out of it. If you’re unsure how to fake a fever, the best thing you can do is to actually mimic what a fever would do to you. Actually increasing your body temperature can really help you sell the fact that you’re “burning up” and need the day off. You can do the following in order to get there.

  1. Wear a ton of layers.
  2. Drink very hot liquids (coffee, tea, hot chocolate, etc.).
  3. Take a really hot bath the night before.
  4. Take a super steamy shower for a LONG time.
  5. Sleep with 5 thick blankets.

Fake a Cough

Now, this is by far the most dangerous illness to fake simply because if you get it wrong, it’s REALLY obvious that you’re not actually sick and you’re just faking it. In order for you to actually nail the fake cough enough for you to get the day off, you’ll have to experiment with different varieties of coughs. For example, you can have a sore throat cough that is more of your throat making the sound. The best part about this one is if you do it enough, it will actually make you lose a little bit of your voice – which sells the fake illness. You can also have a deep chest cough that’s a little trickier to pull off, but it’s the cough that people fear the most. Here’s how to do this.

  1. Cough and listen to yourself. If it sounds too fake, try again.
  2. Clear your throat a few times before giving your “fake” cough.
  3. Fake cough and cover your mouth a LOT with your arm. This will hide the sound if it’s too fake. 

Fake a Headache

This may be one of the trickier ones to pull off, but also the best because there’s no way of telling if someone really has a headache or now. However, it’s also wonderful because headaches can harm your ability to think clearly, work, look at screens, and more. That’s why this is a great way to go if you want to make yourself sick so you can skip out on school or work. Here’s how to do this one.

  1. Rub your temples from time to time so people can see you’re in pain.
  2. Shake around a bottle of painkillers for people to see you taking.
  3. Ask that the lights be turned down a notch – something people will headaches need.

Get Rid of Your Appetite

When you’re about to come down with an illness, you usually don’t have much of an appetite because your body doesn’t want to take anything more into it because it’s trying to process something harmful. Therefore, if you want to make yourself sick in order to get out of work or school or even an event you don’t want to go to, pretend you don’t have an appetite the day before. Just say something along the lines of, “Oh yeah, I’m not really feeling that hungry today,” when someone asks if you want to go to lunch or whatnot. These are some more ways you can fake a loss of appetite.

  1. Don’t let anyone see you snacking on anything.
  2. Work through lunch and when your boss asks why, tell them you’re not hungry.
  3. Let someone see you take a bite of something and just toss it out.

We all need a day to ourselves every now and then just to keep us sane. However, we just don’t actually get sick enough to have those days. If you want out of work, school, or an event you’re dreading, making yourself sick is the best way to do so.

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