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How to Write the Perfect Letter to My Ex

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After you have dated your boyfriend or girlfriend for a long time, it is difficult to move on. When something good happens, you want to share it with them. You feel deeply depressed and sad that the relationship has ended. Do not be ashamed of the way that you feel. Everyone goes through a break up at some point. Even if you have been through a break up before, it does not make it easier to experience. A break up is one of the most traumatic emotional events in your life, so it is natural for you to be depressed as you strive to move on.

In many cases, there is no point in staying in contact with your ex. Unless the break up was a mix up or caused by a problem you can actually fix, you might want to just move on. If the cause of your break up remains, then you will ultimately break up again. When it is possible to fix the problem and repair the relationship, then you may naturally want to reach out to your ex again. You miss being with him or her, so you want to see if you can rebuild the relationship.

Rebuilding a relationship is much easier said than done. A break up causes hurt feelings on both sides, and your partner may be trying to move on already. Learning how to write the perfect letter to your ex can help you take that first step in reaching out and seeing if it is possible to have a relationship again.

the magic second chance letter

How to Write the Perfect Letter to My Ex

Before we go on, we should point out that your letter will be highly personalized depending on the break up, your contact since then and what your relationship was like. If you had an explosive, painful break up and have not talked since that moment, you probably do not want to beg to get back together or spend pages talking about how much you love him. If the break up was because of a mistake and you know that he is interested in getting back together, a more emotional, touching letter could be appropriate. You have to think about what is appropriate for where you are at in your relationship and communication before you write anything. If you have not talked at all since the break up, your initial message may be just to ask how they are doing and get a conversation started. Once you know that they are responding to you and seem interested in talking, you can then send a more heartfelt message.

The perfect letter to an ex may be able to get you back together. If you have formatted it perfectly and expressed exactly how you feel, it is your best chance of resuming the relationship. The good news is that it is easier than ever to reach out to an ex. From social media to snail mail, you can easily send your letter and hope that it is enough to get him interested in your again.

Be Careful

Your letter could be the perfect thing to get you back together, or it could backfire horribly. You need to be extremely careful about what you say because you don’t want to drive him even further away from you. You should avoid saying anything offensive or demeaning. You especially do not want to imply that the break up or relationship problems were all his fault. At the same time, don’t accept responsibility for problems that are not actually your fault—if you get back together, this could later cause problems when you reveal that you do not actually think that it was your fault.

how to write a letter to your ex boyfriend

What Should You Include?

If you want to know how to write the perfect letter to your ex, you have to avoid common mistakes. Do not expect this to be a letter that gets you back together. Your primary goal should also not be to divulge all of your emotions because this will just make you look needy. Your letter is often the only way to communicate with your ex after a break up because a) they might not want to meet you face-to-face and b) it is hard to say what you mean when you are having a conversation.

Make sure to spend at least a couple of days working on this letter. This gives you time to do basic things like proofreading and editing. It also ensures that your letter does not seem needy, overly emotional or pushy. You don’t want your words to be misconstrued, so you need to take time to carefully think through what you want to say.

The last thing you want is to be one of those exes who sends a thousand texts and voicemails with tearful messages about how much you miss your ex and how much you love him. If he had any desire to get back together with you, this type of response will definitely push him away.

Before you start writing, you need to figure out how you feel and where you stand. There are two main types of letters to an ex. The first type is a way to seek closure so that you can move on and forget about the relationship. The second type of letter is to get your ex to give you and the relationship a second chance. You have to decide what you want before you can start writing the letter.

If you want closure, you should probably forget about the letter to your ex. If you did not get closure already, the letter probably won’t help. It will generally be better to just go radio silent and move on. If you absolutely have to express yourself, then do it carefully after cautiously thinking through what you want to say.

If you are hoping to restart the relationship, then it is time to start writing. You do not want to talk to your ex when you are feeling anger, despair or sadness—it is far too easy for these emotions to ruin any chance of getting back together. Instead, sit down and write out how you feel. Once you have realized those emotions, burn the first letter and start writing a new letter.

You definitely want your letter to improve your rapport with your ex. You don’t have to sound like you just want to be friends or don’t care about the break up, but you do want your ex to finish the letter with an open mind. Don’t rush into talking to your ex again because you need time for those intense feelings of anger or despair to die down. Try gaining some perspective on the situation so that you can be detached when you start talking to your ex again.

The Do’s and Don’ts of How to Write the Perfect Letter to My Ex

Do’s

– Stay positive and avoid delving into deep emotions like despair, sadness or anger.
– Express how you feel and what you would like to have happen.
– Wait several days before sending the letter so that you can reread it for clarity and accuracy.

Don’ts

– Avoid overly emotional or needy language.
– Don’t press for a relationship if you know that he is not interested.
– Don’t use language that could be offensive.
– Don’t sound like you are accusing him of anything.
– Don’t write about how much you love or miss him unless he has already expressed the same sentiment.
– Don’t talk about why you broke up.

You do not want to talk about the break up or your relationship problems in this letter. If you decide to get back together, there will be more than enough time to sort these problems out in person. If he is not interested in getting back together, talking about these problems certainly will not help.

Your primary goal is to get him talking to you again and to feel him out to see if a relationship is possible. You do not want any of your language to seem needy, upset, clingy or demanding. It is up to him whether he wants to be with you again or not. In some cases, there is nothing that you can do or say that will change someone’s mind.

In general, you probably want to avoid being emotional in the letter unless you have already been talking to your ex about how much he misses you. If this is your first message to him, you want to just open the door to more communication. If you want to sneakily include some emotional triggers, mention how you were thinking of the place you first met or your first date the other day. This is an easy way to get him thinking about the positive moments in your relationship and you can even drop a hidden compliment in there. (For example: I was just thinking about how cute that Italian bistro was when we met. It was still the best panini I ever had, and I thought that your shirt was as cute as you are.) Again, this is the most emotional you want to get. If you do it right, this type of inclusion might get him thinking about the happy moments in the relationship and cause him to reach out to you as well.

45 COMMENTS

  1. 42 days of no contact and he hasn’t reached out to me.. Am ready to reach out to him now via letter.but during my no contact, I was actively posting pictures on facebook, we are friends on facebook..how will he miss me if he keeps seeing my pictures on facebook.. I want him back

    • You have not spoken to him for a month and a half. He has not reached out to you. He has shown that he is not interested in nourishing a relationship with you. You have shown him that you are also not interested in doing so. Take this time to determine what you want for your future without him. Focus your emotional energy elsewhere. Have a great day, Lina!

      • So me and my ex broke up a month ago, and we did no contact but we started speaking recently as I was going to collect my things from her on the weekend but didn’t actually go as she got called into work, but she messaged me yesterday just making small talk and I really really miss her and would do anything to get her back, I was thinking of writing a cute letter to her explaining how I feel as I don’t have it in me to do it over text! I wrote her a letter while we was going out and she loved it so hoping for the best now please help me!

        • It is possible that she is interested in attempting to nourish a relationship with you again. It is possible that she is remembering things that she wants to discuss. Take this time to determine what you want for your future. Speak directly and honestly with her about your thoughts and feelings. Give her an opportunity to share herself with you as well. Have a great day, Jes!

  2. Me and my ex broke up a month ago, but we text in small talk at the moment like I was meant to go collect my things over the weekend but didn’t actually go as she got called into work, but she keeps messaging me about small things could this mean she misses me? I want her back like crazy and I thought I would send her a letter as it’s better sending it over text wrote her a letter when we was going out and she loved it so thought I would try win her back with a letter telling her how I feel am I making the right choice? Please help!

    • It is possible that she is interested in attempting to nourish a relationship with you again. It is possible that she is remembering things that she wants to discuss. Take this time to determine what you want for your future. Speak directly and honestly with her about your thoughts and feelings. Give her an opportunity to share herself with you as well. Have a great day, Jes!

      • Thank you! Like she says to me she’s better on her own at the moment but she’s always messaging me could this mean she does miss me but she doesn’t want to show it?

        • She is likely confused or uncertain about her feelings. She has shared her thoughts and feelings with you. She continues to message you, though there may be a variety of reasons for her actions. Take this time to determine what you want for your future. Speak directly and honestly with her about your thoughts and feelings. If she is not interested in maintaining or nourishing a relationship with you, then you will find benefit in focusing your emotional attention elsewhere. Have a great day, Jes!

  3. I just want my girlfriend back but it seems she doesn’t want me back. It’s been 2 days since she told me she wanted a break up. The breakup happened because I told her how that I do not feel loved and cared for in the relationship and how that I feel I’m giving 100% and barely receiving 30%.
    But then, I really want her back to my side.

    • You shared your thoughts and concerns with her. You explained that you did not feel cared for. In response, she decided to end the relationship. She has shared her thoughts and feelings with you. She is unable or unwilling to give you the attention and respect that you require. Determine what you want for your future without her. Have a great day, Ezekiel!

  4. My boyfriend broke up with me last week after being together just over a year. Said I’m to negative for him and that he was unhappy for the last 8 weeks. Prior to the break was our year anniversary and in the card he wrote ‘can’t air for many more’. He’s told me himself he can’t fault the relationship except I was negative about life. I recognise this now and have also been referrrd for CBT therapy to help with this. He came and saw me the following day to talk. Said he didn’t know what to do with me and that I needed to be less stressed and chill out more. Live for the now and not the future. We had a long cuddle I n bed it felt amazing especially after the heartache the day before. when he left and text when he got home he said I don’t want to lead you on or confuse you but I need to sorry my head out and you need to sort yourself out. Take each day as it comes. Friday came and we had a chat and he said he feels we may of got together to quick as he never intended being with me but things happened and I made him happy. He told me it was 4 weeks he had been unhappy for not 8 as initially said. He said he isn’t wanting to be with anyone atm but still needs his space and if I want to message him I can. We follow each other on social media still and fb says still in a relationship. I know he’s really stressed with not having any work atm and his mum even said that too and said she has her fingers crossed it works out for us. I’m so hurt and confused by it all. It’s now the fourth day since we last spoke and I just want to message him and call him to tell him the positive steps I’ve taken since. We have a concert in July that he says we need to sort the tickets for and I said I still wanted to go with him and said okay. Not sure what to do but everyday I want to just message or call him. he said I was pushing him away so I’ve now stopped contact. He says it’s to late and I will never change. He still watches my instagram stories when I post them. I’m just baffled as we both feel so strongly for one another and have been besotted with one another since day 1. Possibly he does have problems he needs to deal with also. I don’t want to lose him and he knows this. He also knows I’m not giving up on our relationship and what we had

    • He has ended this relationship. He has shared his thoughts and feelings with you. He is not interested in maintaining a relationship with you at this time. Determine what you want for your future without him. If he reaches out to you in the future, then share your kindness and compassion with him. Have a great day, Gemma!

  5. My ex gf broke up with me nearly a month ago and I met her after about a week and we had an amazing day together but went down hill when I tried talking about things, since then I’m doing no contact, my friend spoke to her recently and she admitted she still loves me but is still very hurt and that she doesn’t want to get back with me but I feel like time will help her reconsider, we had a really good relationship but she felt as though I didn’t listen enough. Will a letter saying that I now understand how I made her feel work? I’ve had a lot of time to think and I do see how I made her feel but I need the chance to show her I’ve changed for her.

    • She has shared her thoughts and feelings. She is unable and unwilling to nourish an emotional relationship with you. Do not attempt to reach out to her at this time. If she reaches out to you, then share your kindness and compassion with her. Determine what you want for your future. Have a great day, Connah!

  6. My boyfriend of six years have broken up with me 2 weeks ago.. He told me he is not happy anymore ang got fed up with weekly fights that he felt love is fading away.. I tried to talk to him the first week then the second, i stopped contacting him..

    He isn’t reaching out to me as well, i knew he is always online and just keep on ignoring me, and it hurts..

    I still want him back, I’m thinking about giving it a 2 months rest then send the letter?

    • The two of you are no longer speaking. He has shared his thoughts and feelings with you. He is no longer willing to nourish a relationship with you. Do not attempt to reach out to him. Determine what you want for your future without him. If he reaches out to you in the future, then share your kindness and compassion with him. Have a great day, Mingming!

  7. I would like to know how to address this that has happened to me. My ex and I were together 10yrs.I had a stroke 6yrs ago and he wasn’t here for me the first yr after that he started disting him self from me as yrs went by I was trying to focus on me to get better, just my right foot dont work so I have brace and cane I use daily ,I don’t walk normal no more .but I made it a point to stay in his life! Life .I found out about a girl that I introduced to they were seeing each other,she is out there way out there ,and he has been seeing her off and on ,she was in jail I didn’t know this ,so I was seeing my ex again I thought we did things with each other ,soon as she got out I found out he went and picked her up , I was devistated ,somehow I just went to i I don’t matter ,please give me some advice on getting back with him I don’t want someone else.sincerly Annette

    • He has chosen to develop a relationship with someone else. Your behaviors may have caused him to choose his other partner. He is not interested in nourishing a romantic relationship with you. He may not feel responsive to you. Allow thoughts of him to fade and focus your emotional energy elsewhere. Strengthen your relationships with your family and friends. Have a great day, Annette!

  8. In the letter I spoke about myself, what I’ve been up to how I’ve been etc (not too emotional). Should I invite her on a date for example so she can say what she has been up to etc?

    • If you are writing a letter to your ex, then ensure that it is appropriate for the status of your relationship. Do not invite her on a date, as the two of you have decided to end your romantic relationship. Continue to share your kindness and compassion with her. Give her an opportunity to reach out to you. If she doesn’t, then allow thoughts of her to fade. Have a great day, Erick!

  9. Hello, me and my ex have been broken up for about a month and a half but before I started the No Contact she did mention how she missed me and how hard this was meanwhile all of this was followed by her crying. We hugged each other and I went on my life and so did she. Today, I wrote her an apology letter taking full accountability for the dismantling of our relationship. Now is the waiting game for her to respond in a couple of days. When she does reach out what or how should I respond?

    • The two of you have decided to end your relationship. You chose to establish no contact. Your behaviors likely have changed her feelings. Determine what you want for your future. If you want to develop a relationship with her, then speak with her about your thoughts and feelings. However, you may find benefit in giving her an opportunity to share herself. If she does, then ensure that you share your kindness and compassion with her at all times. Have a great day, Josh!

  10. What to do in case of a serious trust issue? Writing a letter avoiding this issue makes me feel the Elephant in the room is still there. I mean, how can I show her that I feel accountable for the mistakes I made without bringing up the breakup?

    • Inform her of the mistakes that you have made and that you are apologetic for those mistakes. Give her an opportunity to share herself with you as well. If she is not interested in having the discussion, then do not continue the conversation. If you are concerned about maintaining this relationship, then remember that it is important to be honest and direct. Have a great day, Chris!

  11. It’s been 4 days since my boyfriend of 8 months broke things off with me. It was my first good relationship but I invested in it more than he did which created problems. He said the relationship is too much for him and he feels emotionally drained when things get bad. It was a good breakup because we both expressed still loving each other and still wanting to keep each other in our lives in the future as friends. We both also said it was our best relationship and we’re our each first love. He even said he isn’t sure of his decision of the breakup and I feel like he did it rashly over a recent argument we had and stress in his personal life. I haven’t talked to him since and will do no contact until he initiates but if he doesn’t I want to send him a letter after a month passes. How can I express myself in a way that’s not desperate or needy so he can consider starting anew with me with this initiative?

    • The two of you decided to end your relationship. You made to decision to not contact him. It is clear that this relationship is no longer viable. Make a decision about what you want for your future without him, and focus your emotional energy elsewhere. If he reaches out to you in the future, then speak with him about your thoughts and feelings at that time. Have a great day, Dawn!

  12. Hello,
    My ex and I broke up about a month ago. We lived together and we work together as well! We have had a few conversations and he keeps telling me he doesn’t not want a relationship with me and it’s to late. Should I send the letter or let it go?

    • If it were me, I would just let it go. He’s clearly not going to change his mind, so the only reason to send a letter would be to get closure by speaking your mind–but he might not respond at all, so your efforts could end up failing anyway. It is entirely up to you though. Since it does not sound like he is interested in being together at any point again, it’s not like sending the letter would hurt your chances.

  13. My ex and I ended things a few weeks ago. It was over a trust issue and there was no other way but to end it. I don’t want to leave things soured and without closure, and Ive felt uneasy about what I have to process. Would it make sense to send a closure letter?

    • Since you have no plans to ever date him again, it isn’t like it could hurt anything. The worst case scenario is that he will still not want to date you, right? However, there also might not be a point to sending it since the relationship is over. Some people actually make a closure letter and burn it without sending it–it feels very cleansing and is less likely to cause any problems.

  14. My ex ended the relationship, at least that is how I took it. I honestly cannot think of what I did that contributed to this and I am not being self-righteous. Maybe it was something in my actions. I do not know. We never argued. He said I deserved to be loved the way I deserved to be loved. That I am the kind of woman to fall in love with. Then he said that he needs space to assess his feelings for me and asked if I believed in the saying “Absence makes the hear fonder”. All in all he did say some hurtful things in the last talk we had about our relationship. We spoke a few times since the “break-up” and met once because he wanted to meet my daughter who was visiting from overseas. I had spoken a lot about her visit so he knew she was coming. He called asked if he can take my daughter and I out for dinner so he can meet her. I was skeptical then decided to accept his invitation so we met him at the restaurant. It was casual and pleasant. I was not expecting anything more from the meeting. In parting he hugged me and said “I’ll call you.” We have not spoken since then and it is about three weeks now. If there is the chance of us getting back together I will give it another shot. I have written out a letter to him to get some of the hurt out which I felt from some of the things he said to me. I have not sent the letter. I might trash it and start over again, but I think this is the best way for me to communicate my feelings to him honestly and clearly and help me heal emotionally.

    • His statement regarding space is an indication of his feelings, not your actions. It is certainly possible that you have been a perfect partner. However, he knows that he is unwilling to respect your relationship properly. He cares for you, but does not feel that he is a good partner. The two of you have not spoken for three weeks. Read the letter that you wrote again, and write a new one. If you feel that it would be appropriate for you to send it, then do so. If not, then allow thoughts of him to fade. Have a great day, LaRose!

  15. Me and my ex broke up 7 months ago we ha e a 3 year old he hasnt even reached out to him he did the no contact rule but in the past week hes been reading my messages and been online more and more but dont respond still….I do want to have him in our lives. I’ve been told hes scared to reach out to me…what can I say or do to make sure he dont have to be scared that goes threw my mind alot. He has no reason to be scared of me. What’s the easiest way to reach out to him

    • The two of you ended your relationship seven months ago. He has made the decision to not be part of his child’s life. You have some ability to communicate with him. It is possible that you should reach out to him first. If he is concerned about reaching out to you due to fear, then this will reduce those concerns. Inform him that you want him to be part of your child’s life. Have a great day, Lee!

  16. Thank you for the advice! I really hope I can get my ex girlfriend back. I know we were meant to be. I’ve realized my mistakes and am ready to change.

    • Thank you for sharing your insights and experiences. We always appreciate when members of our community share their positive comments. Please share more of your thoughts and feelings in the future. Have a great day, Anon!

  17. So recently, through my alt instagram account, my ex has changed her instagram account from private to public again. Does this mean she’s starting to let her guard down?

  18. Been in no contact for a month of ex girlfriend who broke up with me. We dated a year and half. She has reached out numerous times sending cute videos of me early in relationship and commenting on insta stories. I just responded with an emoji. I’m debating on writing and extensive accountability letter detailing my faults I brought into our issues and demonstrating my new awareness and growth. Do you think this letter should be lengthy or short? Do you think ending it with something like there is no need to contact me unless you want to go on a date is a good way to end the letter?

    • I think you don’t want it too long or too short. You can end it by saying “there is no need to contact me . . . .”, but word it so that it sounds nice. For example, “I just wanted to get this off my chest, so you don’t have to feel like you have to respond unless you are interested in going on a date with me.”

  19. She broke up over text during Covid-19. Before the breakup, we didnt contact for a month.

    Reason was, she said she wanted space and no calls but she was ok with texting. She told me to reflect on my flaws and said she needed to work on herself and self-love as shes been giving too much to people and me which affected her mental health. We texted for next 2 weeks. I only kinda get it after 2 weeks, and I decided to not contact her and gave her 1 month of space. The last text in that 2 weeks, we ended the text neutrally (no replies needed from both). I went to work on myself and reflect on my flaws (temper, etc) in that 1 month. She didnt contact me either.

    1 month later, I texted her. She then sent me the breakup text like 3mins later. Honestly it was harsh. She called me toxic in the relationship, said we are not compatible, said there’s no turning back and realised she’s happier not interacting much with me, said she won’t reply to my texts and calls about our past, and wish me all the best and hope I find someone compatible. And she said we can still be friends if I want.

    Been a week. I havent replied her but I drafted a letter to address my flaws and solutions and new things I did during the space. Trying to keep things positive. I want to know:
    1) Should I send the letter asap for my case? (I did not even get to say anything)
    2) Did she breakup with me because of my flaws only, or also because I “disappeared” in that 1 month not telling her? She has anxiety issues and can overthink. I hope you can shed some lights.

    • You should not send her the letter. Your behaviors caused her to end the relationship. You are aware of your flaws, and you have realized that the best apology is changed behavior. Do not reach out to her, but if the two of you see each other in the future, then you should share your kindness and compassion with her. Allow thoughts of her to fade, and focus your emotional energy elsewhere.

  20. Thanks for replying!

    What behavior, may I ask? You mean not giving her the space immediately? But she was the one that said she was ok with texting. And I did give her the space she needs once I figured. My flaws are something to do with short temper, passive aggressiveness, but i dont think these are big issues that constitute to the breakup. I would say it goes both ways. However I am working on my flaws. In her breakup message, she talked about some arguments that happened in Feb (those were misunderstandings that I didnt clear). Thats why i thought of writing that letter, since I didnt even get to explain anything before

    • Mentioning your behavior was not a critique, rather a statement of the reasons for her behaviors. You are aware of the reason why she decided to end your relationship, so allow that knowledge to influence your future behaviors. You will find great benefit in sharing your kindness and compassion at all times, as this will draw positive people and energy into your life.

  21. My ex broke up with me in June. This is the second time in our relationship he has done this. The first, time I went into total radio silence. He reached out a month later, we gradually started talking and we eventually got back together. About a year later, this past June he broke up with me again, basically saying he tried to love me, and that I am the best woman he’s ever been with and I deserve better. Of course I was heartbroken. It was sudden. our relationship was not toxic. He expressed affection and care and attentiveness. He wanted to stay in touch but I told him that would not happen. A month later he sent me a text, asking how I’m doing, that he wanted to call but was honoring my wishes. I did not reply until two weeks later, simply saying I was well and best wishes. A month or more later I received an email from him,in which he expressed that he is missing me, that he struggles trying not to call me as he is honoring my wishes. he said he was looking at photos from a trip we took together, and thought what a good woman I am and that he hopes I will allow him to see me one day. He came across as sincere, but it took me about two weeks to reply to his email. I did not express any emotional feelings in my reply, but acknowledged the fond memories of the trip, and wished him well.
    I do love him, and it has been over a month since I replied to his email. I have not heard back from him since. The only reason I am considering writing him a letter is to say some unsaid things. Should I send him a letter? Is it okay to mention the breakup in the letter? Not to cast blame but to express that I have accepted it the reasons he gave.

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