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How to Write the Perfect Letter to My Ex

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After you have dated your boyfriend or girlfriend for a long time, it is difficult to move on. When something good happens, you want to share it with them. You feel deeply depressed and sad that the relationship has ended. Do not be ashamed of the way that you feel. Everyone goes through a break up at some point. Even if you have been through a break up before, it does not make it easier to experience. A break up is one of the most traumatic emotional events in your life, so it is natural for you to be depressed as you strive to move on.

In many cases, there is no point in staying in contact with your ex. Unless the break up was a mix up or caused by a problem you can actually fix, you might want to just move on. If the cause of your break up remains, then you will ultimately break up again. When it is possible to fix the problem and repair the relationship, then you may naturally want to reach out to your ex again. You miss being with him or her, so you want to see if you can rebuild the relationship.

Rebuilding a relationship is much easier said than done. A break up causes hurt feelings on both sides, and your partner may be trying to move on already. Learning how to write the perfect letter to your ex can help you take that first step in reaching out and seeing if it is possible to have a relationship again.

the magic second chance letter

How to Write the Perfect Letter to My Ex

Before we go on, we should point out that your letter will be highly personalized depending on the break up, your contact since then and what your relationship was like. If you had an explosive, painful break up and have not talked since that moment, you probably do not want to beg to get back together or spend pages talking about how much you love him. If the break up was because of a mistake and you know that he is interested in getting back together, a more emotional, touching letter could be appropriate. You have to think about what is appropriate for where you are at in your relationship and communication before you write anything. If you have not talked at all since the break up, your initial message may be just to ask how they are doing and get a conversation started. Once you know that they are responding to you and seem interested in talking, you can then send a more heartfelt message.

The perfect letter to an ex may be able to get you back together. If you have formatted it perfectly and expressed exactly how you feel, it is your best chance of resuming the relationship. The good news is that it is easier than ever to reach out to an ex. From social media to snail mail, you can easily send your letter and hope that it is enough to get him interested in your again.

Be Careful

Your letter could be the perfect thing to get you back together, or it could backfire horribly. You need to be extremely careful about what you say because you don’t want to drive him even further away from you. You should avoid saying anything offensive or demeaning. You especially do not want to imply that the break up or relationship problems were all his fault. At the same time, don’t accept responsibility for problems that are not actually your fault—if you get back together, this could later cause problems when you reveal that you do not actually think that it was your fault.



how to write a letter to your ex boyfriend

What Should You Include?

If you want to know how to write the perfect letter to your ex, you have to avoid common mistakes. Do not expect this to be a letter that gets you back together. Your primary goal should also not be to divulge all of your emotions because this will just make you look needy. Your letter is often the only way to communicate with your ex after a break up because a) they might not want to meet you face-to-face and b) it is hard to say what you mean when you are having a conversation.

Make sure to spend at least a couple of days working on this letter. This gives you time to do basic things like proofreading and editing. It also ensures that your letter does not seem needy, overly emotional or pushy. You don’t want your words to be misconstrued, so you need to take time to carefully think through what you want to say.

The last thing you want is to be one of those exes who sends a thousand texts and voicemails with tearful messages about how much you miss your ex and how much you love him. If he had any desire to get back together with you, this type of response will definitely push him away.

Before you start writing, you need to figure out how you feel and where you stand. There are two main types of letters to an ex. The first type is a way to seek closure so that you can move on and forget about the relationship. The second type of letter is to get your ex to give you and the relationship a second chance. You have to decide what you want before you can start writing the letter.

If you want closure, you should probably forget about the letter to your ex. If you did not get closure already, the letter probably won’t help. It will generally be better to just go radio silent and move on. If you absolutely have to express yourself, then do it carefully after cautiously thinking through what you want to say.

If you are hoping to restart the relationship, then it is time to start writing. You do not want to talk to your ex when you are feeling anger, despair or sadness—it is far too easy for these emotions to ruin any chance of getting back together. Instead, sit down and write out how you feel. Once you have realized those emotions, burn the first letter and start writing a new letter.

You definitely want your letter to improve your rapport with your ex. You don’t have to sound like you just want to be friends or don’t care about the break up, but you do want your ex to finish the letter with an open mind. Don’t rush into talking to your ex again because you need time for those intense feelings of anger or despair to die down. Try gaining some perspective on the situation so that you can be detached when you start talking to your ex again.



The Do’s and Don’ts of How to Write the Perfect Letter to My Ex

Do’s

– Stay positive and avoid delving into deep emotions like despair, sadness or anger.
– Express how you feel and what you would like to have happen.
– Wait several days before sending the letter so that you can reread it for clarity and accuracy.

Don’ts

– Avoid overly emotional or needy language.
– Don’t press for a relationship if you know that he is not interested.
– Don’t use language that could be offensive.
– Don’t sound like you are accusing him of anything.
– Don’t write about how much you love or miss him unless he has already expressed the same sentiment.
– Don’t talk about why you broke up.

You do not want to talk about the break up or your relationship problems in this letter. If you decide to get back together, there will be more than enough time to sort these problems out in person. If he is not interested in getting back together, talking about these problems certainly will not help.

Your primary goal is to get him talking to you again and to feel him out to see if a relationship is possible. You do not want any of your language to seem needy, upset, clingy or demanding. It is up to him whether he wants to be with you again or not. In some cases, there is nothing that you can do or say that will change someone’s mind.

In general, you probably want to avoid being emotional in the letter unless you have already been talking to your ex about how much he misses you. If this is your first message to him, you want to just open the door to more communication. If you want to sneakily include some emotional triggers, mention how you were thinking of the place you first met or your first date the other day. This is an easy way to get him thinking about the positive moments in your relationship and you can even drop a hidden compliment in there. (For example: I was just thinking about how cute that Italian bistro was when we met. It was still the best panini I ever had, and I thought that your shirt was as cute as you are.) Again, this is the most emotional you want to get. If you do it right, this type of inclusion might get him thinking about the happy moments in the relationship and cause him to reach out to you as well.

20 COMMENTS

  1. 42 days of no contact and he hasn’t reached out to me.. Am ready to reach out to him now via letter.but during my no contact, I was actively posting pictures on facebook, we are friends on facebook..how will he miss me if he keeps seeing my pictures on facebook.. I want him back

    • You have not spoken to him for a month and a half. He has not reached out to you. He has shown that he is not interested in nourishing a relationship with you. You have shown him that you are also not interested in doing so. Take this time to determine what you want for your future without him. Focus your emotional energy elsewhere. Have a great day, Lina!

      • So me and my ex broke up a month ago, and we did no contact but we started speaking recently as I was going to collect my things from her on the weekend but didn’t actually go as she got called into work, but she messaged me yesterday just making small talk and I really really miss her and would do anything to get her back, I was thinking of writing a cute letter to her explaining how I feel as I don’t have it in me to do it over text! I wrote her a letter while we was going out and she loved it so hoping for the best now please help me!

        • It is possible that she is interested in attempting to nourish a relationship with you again. It is possible that she is remembering things that she wants to discuss. Take this time to determine what you want for your future. Speak directly and honestly with her about your thoughts and feelings. Give her an opportunity to share herself with you as well. Have a great day, Jes!

  2. Me and my ex broke up a month ago, but we text in small talk at the moment like I was meant to go collect my things over the weekend but didn’t actually go as she got called into work, but she keeps messaging me about small things could this mean she misses me? I want her back like crazy and I thought I would send her a letter as it’s better sending it over text wrote her a letter when we was going out and she loved it so thought I would try win her back with a letter telling her how I feel am I making the right choice? Please help!

    • It is possible that she is interested in attempting to nourish a relationship with you again. It is possible that she is remembering things that she wants to discuss. Take this time to determine what you want for your future. Speak directly and honestly with her about your thoughts and feelings. Give her an opportunity to share herself with you as well. Have a great day, Jes!

      • Thank you! Like she says to me she’s better on her own at the moment but she’s always messaging me could this mean she does miss me but she doesn’t want to show it?

        • She is likely confused or uncertain about her feelings. She has shared her thoughts and feelings with you. She continues to message you, though there may be a variety of reasons for her actions. Take this time to determine what you want for your future. Speak directly and honestly with her about your thoughts and feelings. If she is not interested in maintaining or nourishing a relationship with you, then you will find benefit in focusing your emotional attention elsewhere. Have a great day, Jes!

  3. I just want my girlfriend back but it seems she doesn’t want me back. It’s been 2 days since she told me she wanted a break up. The breakup happened because I told her how that I do not feel loved and cared for in the relationship and how that I feel I’m giving 100% and barely receiving 30%.
    But then, I really want her back to my side.

    • You shared your thoughts and concerns with her. You explained that you did not feel cared for. In response, she decided to end the relationship. She has shared her thoughts and feelings with you. She is unable or unwilling to give you the attention and respect that you require. Determine what you want for your future without her. Have a great day, Ezekiel!

  4. My boyfriend broke up with me last week after being together just over a year. Said I’m to negative for him and that he was unhappy for the last 8 weeks. Prior to the break was our year anniversary and in the card he wrote ‘can’t air for many more’. He’s told me himself he can’t fault the relationship except I was negative about life. I recognise this now and have also been referrrd for CBT therapy to help with this. He came and saw me the following day to talk. Said he didn’t know what to do with me and that I needed to be less stressed and chill out more. Live for the now and not the future. We had a long cuddle I n bed it felt amazing especially after the heartache the day before. when he left and text when he got home he said I don’t want to lead you on or confuse you but I need to sorry my head out and you need to sort yourself out. Take each day as it comes. Friday came and we had a chat and he said he feels we may of got together to quick as he never intended being with me but things happened and I made him happy. He told me it was 4 weeks he had been unhappy for not 8 as initially said. He said he isn’t wanting to be with anyone atm but still needs his space and if I want to message him I can. We follow each other on social media still and fb says still in a relationship. I know he’s really stressed with not having any work atm and his mum even said that too and said she has her fingers crossed it works out for us. I’m so hurt and confused by it all. It’s now the fourth day since we last spoke and I just want to message him and call him to tell him the positive steps I’ve taken since. We have a concert in July that he says we need to sort the tickets for and I said I still wanted to go with him and said okay. Not sure what to do but everyday I want to just message or call him. he said I was pushing him away so I’ve now stopped contact. He says it’s to late and I will never change. He still watches my instagram stories when I post them. I’m just baffled as we both feel so strongly for one another and have been besotted with one another since day 1. Possibly he does have problems he needs to deal with also. I don’t want to lose him and he knows this. He also knows I’m not giving up on our relationship and what we had

    • He has ended this relationship. He has shared his thoughts and feelings with you. He is not interested in maintaining a relationship with you at this time. Determine what you want for your future without him. If he reaches out to you in the future, then share your kindness and compassion with him. Have a great day, Gemma!

  5. My ex gf broke up with me nearly a month ago and I met her after about a week and we had an amazing day together but went down hill when I tried talking about things, since then I’m doing no contact, my friend spoke to her recently and she admitted she still loves me but is still very hurt and that she doesn’t want to get back with me but I feel like time will help her reconsider, we had a really good relationship but she felt as though I didn’t listen enough. Will a letter saying that I now understand how I made her feel work? I’ve had a lot of time to think and I do see how I made her feel but I need the chance to show her I’ve changed for her.

    • She has shared her thoughts and feelings. She is unable and unwilling to nourish an emotional relationship with you. Do not attempt to reach out to her at this time. If she reaches out to you, then share your kindness and compassion with her. Determine what you want for your future. Have a great day, Connah!

  6. My boyfriend of six years have broken up with me 2 weeks ago.. He told me he is not happy anymore ang got fed up with weekly fights that he felt love is fading away.. I tried to talk to him the first week then the second, i stopped contacting him..

    He isn’t reaching out to me as well, i knew he is always online and just keep on ignoring me, and it hurts..

    I still want him back, I’m thinking about giving it a 2 months rest then send the letter?

    • The two of you are no longer speaking. He has shared his thoughts and feelings with you. He is no longer willing to nourish a relationship with you. Do not attempt to reach out to him. Determine what you want for your future without him. If he reaches out to you in the future, then share your kindness and compassion with him. Have a great day, Mingming!

  7. I would like to know how to address this that has happened to me. My ex and I were together 10yrs.I had a stroke 6yrs ago and he wasn’t here for me the first yr after that he started disting him self from me as yrs went by I was trying to focus on me to get better, just my right foot dont work so I have brace and cane I use daily ,I don’t walk normal no more .but I made it a point to stay in his life! Life .I found out about a girl that I introduced to they were seeing each other,she is out there way out there ,and he has been seeing her off and on ,she was in jail I didn’t know this ,so I was seeing my ex again I thought we did things with each other ,soon as she got out I found out he went and picked her up , I was devistated ,somehow I just went to i I don’t matter ,please give me some advice on getting back with him I don’t want someone else.sincerly Annette

    • He has chosen to develop a relationship with someone else. Your behaviors may have caused him to choose his other partner. He is not interested in nourishing a romantic relationship with you. He may not feel responsive to you. Allow thoughts of him to fade and focus your emotional energy elsewhere. Strengthen your relationships with your family and friends. Have a great day, Annette!

  8. In the letter I spoke about myself, what I’ve been up to how I’ve been etc (not too emotional). Should I invite her on a date for example so she can say what she has been up to etc?

    • If you are writing a letter to your ex, then ensure that it is appropriate for the status of your relationship. Do not invite her on a date, as the two of you have decided to end your romantic relationship. Continue to share your kindness and compassion with her. Give her an opportunity to reach out to you. If she doesn’t, then allow thoughts of her to fade. Have a great day, Erick!

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