When you love someone, you expect to spend the rest of your life with them. The one thing that you are not expecting is a break up. You love your girlfriend, but she just told you that she wants to end the relationship. Now, you want to know what you should do. Is it possible to change her mind? How can you show her that you will be a better boyfriend? Is there any hope for your future?
In research studies, scientists put people in an MRI who were going through a break up and then people who were not. When they looked at the results of the MRI scans, the people who were undergoing a break up had a mind that looked like it was suffering from a mental disorder. This does not mean that the individuals actually had a mental disorder. Instead, they were temporarily undergoing similar symptoms because of the stress and pain of the break up. If it feels like your break up is making you crazy, there is a reason why: it is.
Why Did She Dump You?
There are many different reasons why your girlfriend might break up with you. Most likely, she told you the reason during the break up. If she did it the right way, she broke up with you in person and gave you a chance to ask her questions about why the break up was happening. Listen to her. It is hard to break up with someone, so she is probably trying her best to tell you how she feels. Perhaps she felt like she was getting taken for granted or the spark had died. Or, she was annoyed that you kept doing the same things even though she asked you not to.
The worst reasons are the cookie-cutter ones like, “I don’t feel the same way,” “It’s not you, it’s me,” or “My feelings changed.” While these reasons might be true, she also might be using them to hide the real reason why she is breaking up with you. Behind cookie-cutter reasons like this, the real reason is probably that she just isn’t into you anymore. If this is the case, all you can do is move on.
Whether you can get back together with her or not depends on the reason. If she cheated on you or wants to date someone else, then your best bet is to move on. Unless it genuinely was a mistake that she will never do again, these types of actions are a sign that she is not really committed, takes you for granted or does not really want to be in a relationship.
If the reason behind the break up is because you are doing something wrong, then there is good news. You can talk to her about what she wants to have changed and then make changes. Just make sure that you actually follow through and stick to those changes. If you promise to change and revert to old habits, the next time she leaves you will be for good.
If even a part of you hopes to be back together with her in the future, then you need to ask her why the break up is happening. At the very least, her answer may make your next relationship a better fit. You deserve to have answers, so have her tell you how she feels. Once she does, accept it. Even if you do not agree with the reason, show that you understand and value her feelings or opinions.
Should You Get Back Together?
Getting back together or not really depends on the reason why you broke up and how both partners feel. In the majority of cases, a relationship that has already had one break up will have another one in the future. Unless you genuinely think that you can work through the problem and have a healthy relationship, it might be best to move on. It might not feel like it for now, but you will heal. The last thing you need is an on-again, off-again relationship that painfully drags on for years before eventually ending.
How Do I Get Her Back?
If you have decided that you absolutely want to have another shot with her, the first thing that you need to do is put down your phone or mobile device. Do not text, call or speak to her for a couple of days. Remember how we said that the mind during a break up looks temporarily insane? If you are not careful, that temporary insanity can drive you to do things that you would never normally do. Texting her 100 times a day or leaving teary, drunk messages will never get her back.
While you try to stay calm and give her space, focus on yourself. Go out with your friends, watch a ball game or spend some time doing your favorite hobby. Healing takes time, but you can make it easier by staying busy. If your day is filled with things to do and friends to see, you won’t have time to dwell in despair or self-pity. These might be normal emotions to have after a break up, but they won’t help you get her back.
Another word of caution: don’t sleep with anyone else. You are technically single, and she might be sleeping with someone else, so we totally understand why this is an appealing option. If your goal is to get her back, stay celibate. Even if she sleeps with someone else, her mind will still find it hard to adjust to the idea of you being with someone else. If you do get back together, she will feel jealous and needy because she knows that you can easily find another attractive woman.
After a few days have passed, you have a number of options. If she has reached out to you to “talk” already, take her up on the offer. A talk after a break up is often a sign that the other partner wants to get the relationship going again. At the very least, it will give you a chance to test the waters and see if she still has feelings for you. If she has not reached out to you, reach out to her. Keep it casual at first and just see how she is doing. If she seems open to hanging out or talking more, then you can consider talking about a potential relationship again.
You never want to seem pushy or needy when you are trying to get an ex back. Unfortunately, this is the hardest thing to do after a break up. It feels like your world has ended, so you naturally want to cling to the past. You have to fight this urge as much as possible if you want to win her back.
If she gives you a chance to talk, really listen to how she feels. Understand the reason why she broke up with you and brainstorm ways that you can fix the problem. These types of problems often take time, so be patient.
When to Just Move on
There are definitely times when you should just focus on moving on. If she does not love you anymore, you can try seducing her or wining and dining her. If that does not work, then you have to just move on. Likewise, you can only fix a problem that is actually fixable. Picking up your dirty socks or taking her out more often are things that you can do. If communication problems are an issue, you can definitely learn to be more open when you talk to her and listen better.
Sometimes, the problem is actually you and how you fit together as a couple. Your winning sense of humor might rub her the wrong way, or she might just hate how much you care about sports or your academic classes. If the problem is because of who you are instead of what you do, move on. You should never, ever have to change who you are for someone else. The right person will fit your personality like a puzzle piece. If some facet of your personality is not “right” for her, then she is not the right woman for you.
It is also important to decide if you want to put in the effort to win her back. You will have to forgive her for leaving you and learn to change how you act to make her happy. This is what happens in a good, solid relationship, but it is not always worth it. If you do not see yourself marrying her some day, then you might be wasting your time. Dating is fun, but ultimately most people want to find someone to settle down with. If you do not think that she is settling down material, then don’t bother trying to get her back because she will never be the right match for you.