They say love is blind and sometimes, that cliche saying is sadly true. Of course, falling in love is a beautiful thing. If you’re new to relationships or have had a bad relationship in the past, sometimes, we’re not able to tell the difference between possessiveness and in love. But trust me, there are differences. You remember the movie Twilight? Sure, Edward was hot so naturally, all of us thought his protectiveness was sweet, but in reality, he was possessive. I remember watching that movie and thinking I needed a guy like him. Well, I had a guy like him and it wasn’t like Twilight at all. Don’t get caught up in a possessive relationship just because he has a pretty face. Believe me, there are other men with pretty faces that won’t stalk you or make you their property. Plenty of fish in the sea, I know it may not feel like it, but there will be someone else out there who will respect you.
So, how do you know the signs of a possessive boyfriend? Well, I’m going to tell you. If you read through these signs and more than a couple are matching up with your current relationship, you should reconsider if you should be with this person.
He needs to know who, what, when, where, why
Trust me, it isn’t because he’s worried for your safety. Whether you’re visiting your mom or going to the movies with your girls, he’s on it. He needs to know all the details, in fact, he’ll even help you plan it to his liking. Even when you go out, he’s still lingering around you, making sure you’re doing what you said you were going to do. If you want to go on a girls trip for the weekend, well, he’ll do whatever he can do to get you to stay home. He doesn’t want you away from him for a minute. Why? Because then you may start to like the freedom.
This is an essential sign when looking at possessiveness from a boyfriend. They tend to make their world, your world. They want you to be the main thing in their life, which on paper sounds super romantic until you realize they have no friends or life goals other than being around you. They probably don’t have many friends or don’t go out much, which doesn’t necessarily mean they’re possessive. However, if they’re angry when you go out with friends or see your family, this is when it becomes a clear red flag.
He hates all your friends
He can’t stand any of them. Which is odd because, at the end of the day, you are who you hang out with. It’s not that he doesn’t like them as people, it’s that they’re taking your time away from him. He doesn’t want you to spend any time with anyone except him. If you start spending more time with your friends, you open yourself up to hearing their opinion about him. That’s one thing he doesn’t want you to hear because if you hear it enough, you start to doubt him as well. So, to fix this problem, he’ll talk about their flaws and point out how shitty of a person they all are. He’ll bring up fights that you’ve had with your friends in the past and try to discredit them. If he really liked you, even if he didn’t like your friends, he wouldn’t say anything because those are the people you love.
He doesn’t like what you wear, ever
If you’re going out tonight, well you can bet that he’s watching what you’re putting on. He doesn’t want you to walk out of the house in anything that isn’t approved by him. If he’s controlling what you wear, he wants to make sure you look unapproachable for men. He doesn’t want you to feel good about yourself, he doesn’t want you to feel sexy. Why? Because that gathers unwanted attention, the attention he certainly doesn’t want you to have. A stable man would love to see his girlfriend dressed up, feeling sexy because that is his girlfriend.
He has bad mood swings
One minute, he’s completely delighted and happy and the next minute, he’s in a rage, yelling at you. Did you do something wrong? Most likely, you did nothing wrong. However, something you did pissed him off and made him so insecure that he couldn’t emotionally handle it. If he suffers from bad mood swings, this is a signs that he has a problem controlling his jealously.
He’s very jealous of other men
If you’re talking to another man or woman, he’s jealous. He becomes defensive, asking you why you’re talking to them or what they said to you. He wants to know why the guy at work is adding you on Facebook or why some woman smiled at you in a certain way. He thinks that he’s the only one who wants you, but in reality, he’s highly insecure that you’ll leave him for someone else who’s better. And you should.
He is constantly texting you when you’re out
If you’re out with your friends, he’s busy texting you, asking you how it’s going, what you’re doing. He’ll tell you that he’s just “checking up” on you, but come one, he isn’t making sure you’re okay. He’s making sure you’re not doing something you shouldn’t be – like enjoying your time without him. He wants to make sure you’re only thinking about him the entire time you’re away from him.
He is involved in all your decision-making
He’ll come across as though he just wants to help you out, but in all honesty, he doesn’t care about helping you. This is all about him. Every decision you need to make, he’s beside you, advising you on what to do and making sure you follow his advice. Even if it has nothing to do with him, he’s there, giving you his two cents.
He stalks you
He somehow shows up whenever you’re out. Maybe you’re with your girlfriends for dinner or out with your parents, well, he shows up. He’ll make it look like he’s running into you or just popping by to say hi, but in reality, he’s checking up on you. Or he may stalk you via social media. Going through your emails, internet history, and Facebook while you’re out of the house. If you see this behavior, I suggest you find another guy because this won’t end well.
He manipulates you
This is another serious sign that he’s possessive. Men who are possessive are manipulating their partners. Their goal is to emotionally strip you down and rebuild you into how they want you to be. They may start out in the beginning with subtle comments about your weight or appearance, breaking you down slowly. They’ll continue the emotional abuse, gaslight you and have you believe that they know what’s best for you.
He says “it’s because I love you”
All his anger, all his possessiveness, it’s because he loves you. At least, that’s what he tells you. They need to justify their toxic behavior in some way that’ll make you want to stay. Listen, he doesn’t love you, the whole “I love you” card is a very easy card to pull and he’ll expect you to fall for it. He may even say that you brought on this behavior to yourself because you made him fall in love with you. This has nothing to do with you, this is his own mental problem. If it’s not you, it’ll be another girl – this isn’t love.
You have no privacy
You’re not the only one that knows the password to your phone or can access your Facebook account. He keeps tabs on who you call, when you call, who you’re texting, who wants to follow you on Instagram. This isn’t because he’s worried about your account getting hacked – he needs to make sure you’re not talking to someone who’s a threat to the relationship. If he’s doing this without any other visible signs, it’s still a very strong sign of his possessive behavior. Sooner or later, you’ll have to get approval before writing your friends and family. This sign is a huge red flag, so, if it’s happening to you, you need to get help.
He’s always around you
Personal boundaries? Yeah, he doesn’t have them nor does he respect yours. We all need our own personal space, this is normal. I mean, we’d go insane if we didn’t have just a couple hours to ourselves. But for him, he wants to be around you all the time. Remember, if you’re alone, you have time to process information, you have time to think. Also, he feels that your time, your space – they’re his. Cuddling at night or while watching a movie is sweet, however, if he’s all over you all the time, it’s suffocating.
He has a temper
We all have moments where our temper gets the better of us, that’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is when you two are sitting on the couch watching a movie and you make a comment about the main actor whee your boyfriend suddenly freaks out. If you’re late from work is he furious? If you’re wearing a revealing shirt, does he go red? If you’re feeling like you have to walk on eggshells, it’s a good sign that he has an anger issue. Sure, he may not have hit you, but, he will. I don’t want to place this sort of judgment on someone, but, when someone cannot control their temper, it will not get better, rather only worse with time.
You’re always guilty
He accuses you of doing things that you didn’t do. Possessive people are skilled by making people feel guilty for things they haven’t done. They keep evidence against you and make sure that you’re aware of the things you did wrong, whether you understand it or not. By using guilt, they train you in how they want you to act, using this as a form of punishment. You’ll notice that if you fight with them, it only gets worse, thus, you give in and agree with them because they mentally tear you down. That’s exactly what they want, to control you mentally.
If you’ve read the signs and notice some of this behavior in your own relationship, I highly recommend you take a closer look at your relationship. Is your boyfriend possessive? Be honest with yourself. If he’s showing these signs, you need to take the steps to leave him. I know it’s hard and it’ll be hard for a while, but you need to know that you deserve better.