Sometimes, it is hard to move on from the past. When you get in an argument, it isn’t always easy to tell what is real and what is fake. This is an extremely important topic for relationship though because you have to know how to tell what is going on in reality if you want to fix it. If both of you are stuck in opposing viewpoints, then you will never be able to agree on an objective reality. Unfortunately, reaching a shared conclusion is rarely easy in a fight, and these fights can end up leading you to a break up before long.
Reality is technically the state of things as they exist. People use their senses like hearing and sight to discern reality. Meanwhile, fantasies are ideas that do not have a basis in reality. They are basically something that is created by your imagination. They might be inspired by reality, but they are not limited to it. In addition, illusions are a false belief or idea. They may be a deceptive impression or appearance about the topic.
Reality Vs. Fantasy in Relationships
There are a few scenarios where you might encounter problems with reality vs. fantasy in your relationship. We will cover a few of the most basic options.
You broke with someone for a reason. Perhaps the relationship was not moving along fast enough, or perhaps there was some sign that it was not going to work out. Whatever the case, you are no longer together. While you are now separate, you keep thinking about all of the good things about being together. You remember the long hikes, the amazing nights in bed and the movie nights. As time goes by, you continue to remember just the good aspects of the relationship. You forget about all of the bad things that made you leave, and you start to wonder why you are no longer with him. Before long, you are talking to him and you are back in a relationship. Another month goes by and you are separate again, and you are hurting alone. The cycle continues as you keep forgetting the bad things and focusing on the good.
Each time you return in this scenario, you are basically remembering the fantasy of how things were. You are not entirely wrong though, so it is really more of an illusion. You memories are deceptive illusions because you can only focus on the good parts of the relationship. No matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to remember the reality. Until you can remember the reality, you will continue being tossed back into the illusion and cycle through the break up-makeup process again.
In this example, you have met someone, fallen for them and started thinking about the future. You are meeting each other’s families, looking for a commitment and becoming even more intimate. You are having an amazingly good time, but you forget about all of the little things that bother you. Since you are wrapped up in the whirlwind romance, you find it hard to notice the little details that worry you or make you uncomfortable.
It could take a few days, or it might take a few months. At some point, your illusions are cast aside and you realize that you were living in a fantasy. With a sudden, intense pain, you realize that the relationship was never what you thought it was. You don’t know how much of it was true, but you know that enough was fake that you feel tricked.
Still, you try to focus on the good things and struggle to admit the truth to yourself. At some point, you have to remember why it did not work out and that there were reasons why it did not work.
In this example, you meet the perfect person, but you find out that they are taken. You might have known they were taken from day one, or you may have found out months after you hooked up. Either way, you are in for some trouble. Right now, you may think that you mean the world to them. Obviously, they are taking an enormous risk by being with you. The connection must extremely unique or humongous for them to take that risk, right?
Wrong. Before long, you start to hear the normal excuses. They can’t make the date because of their partner or kids. Or, you did the smart thing and ended the relationship. You told him that he could have you back if they broke up. He told you to stay single and wait for him, but you keep waiting. With either option, you are left waiting with broken promises. You are living in a fantasy where you expect him to leave his partner, but the reality is that he is never going to leave.
We completely understand if you are in this situation. You did not know he was taken, so you fell for him without suspecting anything. Once you fall for someone, it is hard to un-fall for them. Unfortunately, this situation easily leads to drastic fantasies. While you know it is illogical, a part of you imagines that he will leave his family and children for you. Even though you know this won’t happen, your heart doesn’t want to listen to reality.
Understanding Reality Vs. Fantasy
When you are left confused about what is reality, then you need to take a step back. It is easy to get swept away when you are in love, so you have to focus on the facts. You need to remember the good times and the bad. If you broke up with the person, write down the reasons why you ended things right now. When you get wrapped up in the fantasy later on, you can reread this note to yourself and be reminded exactly what the reality of the relationship was like.
Your main goal is to focus on the reality behind the relationship for better or for worse. Your thoughts and feelings can be rationalized, but what you see and hear cannot. Look at the facts without any excuses or illusions. Think about why the relationship did not work and the red flags that made you leave. When you know what the relationship was really like, you can start figuring out if you should be together or not.