You do your best to be a good person. You help people out when there is a problem, and you try to listen and really understand what they are going through. While you are kind and nice all the time, it seems like no one treats you the same way. You start dating a guy and realize within a few weeks that he is a jerk. Even if you aren’t perfect, it seems completely incomprehensible that a man would be so mean and rude when you do your best to be nice to everyone that you meet.
Why Are Men So Mean and Rude to Women Who Are Kind and Nice?
We decided to write this article because of a personal question from one of our readers. Stephanie asked us:
“I am constantly going on dates with guys who are just terrible to me. While I don’t want to sound narcissistic, I have a pretty good personality. I generally go with the flow and treat people the way that I would want to be treated. Whenever I go on a date though, you would think that I was the worst person in the world. I always assumed that guys would want to find a fairly attractive woman who was nice and kind. I follow all of your articles and try to be a good girlfriend/date, but nothing seems to work.
These guys are the ones who ask me out. Presumably, they want to date me more than I wanted to date them. I don’t understand what I did to justify this type of treatment. Even when I was walking down the street, some old man started harassing me and was extremely rude. All I wanted to do was walk to the cafe and get coffee, but he decided to harass me. Last week, my recent date exploded when I asked him how his day was. He acted like I was in the wrong for just saying hello and asking how he was doing. He made implied that I was inferior to him, weird and not worth his time or consideration.
I have seen guys be nice to other woman, so I know that nice guys must be out there. I just don’t understand why all of my dates seem to go wrong. I deliberately try to find nice guys, but it never seems to pan out. I try everything to make these things work, but nothing happens (or worse, I get yelled at or belittled for just existing). What is the deal? Why are all of these guys so rude to me?”
While it is impossible to know what is going on in every guy’s mind, one of the first potential causes is their ego. If you are attractive, intelligent and have a great personality, your date may feel intimidated. They may already realize that you are way out of their league, and it terrifies them into doing things they would never do.
In some cases, the guy might deliberately trying to sabotage your self-esteem. If this is the case, run the other way because it shows a potential for a controlling or abusive relationship. There are some guys (and girls, too) who know that they are dating someone out of their league. Instead of enjoying that fact, they try to sabotage your self-esteem so that you think the best that you can ever do is date them. Snide comments, outright rudeness and belittling asides are all just designed to break you down so that you are willing to settle for them and put up with their behavior. They can’t live up to your intelligence, beauty or personality, so they choose the loser’s way out of belittling you into thinking that you aren’t worth it.
While some guys do this intentionally, others do not realize that they are doing it. They are overwhelmed and feel like they are not good enough. Instead of recognizing that fact, they vent their insecurities on you. Many, many people have insecurities no matter how intelligent or attractive they are. The only way to make themselves feel good is to find someone better than themselves and put that person down. If this is the case, it isn’t your fault—you just have to keep trying to find nicer guys.
They Actually Are a Jerk
Another possible cause is that some of the guys you are dating are actually jerks. While it may seem like they just pick on you, they may actually treat everyone in the same way. Some people are only jerks to people they are close to that they think will take the emotional beating. In these cases, the person only starts to be rude or mean when they get to know someone pretty well. Like the last potential reason, your best bet is to break up with the guy and run the other way.
Nice Guys Aren’t Making a Move
If you are intelligent, beautiful and kind, then you can be pretty intimidating. Many, many nice guys might be afraid to hit on you because they assume that they will be turned down. In addition, most of the guys who actively hit on girls are not the type of guy that you want to be with. A player will hit on dozens of girls a day to hopefully get a date. A nice guy knows that this type of approach can be inappropriate, annoying and demeaning, so he doesn’t make a move. Instead of asking your number, a nice guy may try to gradually become your friend and see where things go.
Basically, you may be dealing with biased numbers. The mean guys are constantly looking for dates, but the nice guys are being nice and waiting. If you are only dating guys who ask you out and make a move, you may end up with a higher proportion of mean dates. While nice guys can and do make a move, a majority of your “leads” are probably from the less desirable class of men.
They Are Making Bad Assumptions
Some guys assume that a beautiful woman gets handed everything in life. This makes them automatically derisive and rude to a pretty woman. If this is the case, it is not your fault. Like many of the previous examples, it does mean that you should avoid dating that guy. His stereotype won’t be easily changed, and he is probably going to continue his rudeness even after you point it out.