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Why Are Men So Mean and Rude to Women Who Are Kind and Nice?


You do your best to be a good person. You help people out when there is a problem, and you try to listen and really understand what they are going through. While you are kind and nice all the time, it seems like no one treats you the same way. You start dating a guy and realize within a few weeks that he is a jerk. Even if you aren’t perfect, it seems completely incomprehensible that a man would be so mean and rude when you do your best to be nice to everyone that you meet.

Why Are Men So Mean and Rude to Women Who Are Kind and Nice?

We decided to write this article because of a personal question from one of our readers. Stephanie asked us:

“I am constantly going on dates with guys who are just terrible to me. While I don’t want to sound narcissistic, I have a pretty good personality. I generally go with the flow and treat people the way that I would want to be treated. Whenever I go on a date though, you would think that I was the worst person in the world. I always assumed that guys would want to find a fairly attractive woman who was nice and kind. I follow all of your articles and try to be a good girlfriend/date, but nothing seems to work.

These guys are the ones who ask me out. Presumably, they want to date me more than I wanted to date them. I don’t understand what I did to justify this type of treatment. Even when I was walking down the street, some old man started harassing me and was extremely rude. All I wanted to do was walk to the cafe and get coffee, but he decided to harass me. Last week, my recent date exploded when I asked him how his day was. He acted like I was in the wrong for just saying hello and asking how he was doing. He made implied that I was inferior to him, weird and not worth his time or consideration.

I have seen guys be nice to other woman, so I know that nice guys must be out there. I just don’t understand why all of my dates seem to go wrong. I deliberately try to find nice guys, but it never seems to pan out. I try everything to make these things work, but nothing happens (or worse, I get yelled at or belittled for just existing). What is the deal? Why are all of these guys so rude to me?”

Ego Problems

While it is impossible to know what is going on in every guy’s mind, one of the first potential causes is their ego. If you are attractive, intelligent and have a great personality, your date may feel intimidated. They may already realize that you are way out of their league, and it terrifies them into doing things they would never do.

In some cases, the guy might deliberately trying to sabotage your self-esteem. If this is the case, run the other way because it shows a potential for a controlling or abusive relationship. There are some guys (and girls, too) who know that they are dating someone out of their league. Instead of enjoying that fact, they try to sabotage your self-esteem so that you think the best that you can ever do is date them. Snide comments, outright rudeness and belittling asides are all just designed to break you down so that you are willing to settle for them and put up with their behavior. They can’t live up to your intelligence, beauty or personality, so they choose the loser’s way out of belittling you into thinking that you aren’t worth it.

While some guys do this intentionally, others do not realize that they are doing it. They are overwhelmed and feel like they are not good enough. Instead of recognizing that fact, they vent their insecurities on you. Many, many people have insecurities no matter how intelligent or attractive they are. The only way to make themselves feel good is to find someone better than themselves and put that person down. If this is the case, it isn’t your fault—you just have to keep trying to find nicer guys.

They Actually Are a Jerk

Another possible cause is that some of the guys you are dating are actually jerks. While it may seem like they just pick on you, they may actually treat everyone in the same way. Some people are only jerks to people they are close to that they think will take the emotional beating. In these cases, the person only starts to be rude or mean when they get to know someone pretty well. Like the last potential reason, your best bet is to break up with the guy and run the other way.

Nice Guys Aren’t Making a Move

If you are intelligent, beautiful and kind, then you can be pretty intimidating. Many, many nice guys might be afraid to hit on you because they assume that they will be turned down. In addition, most of the guys who actively hit on girls are not the type of guy that you want to be with. A player will hit on dozens of girls a day to hopefully get a date. A nice guy knows that this type of approach can be inappropriate, annoying and demeaning, so he doesn’t make a move. Instead of asking your number, a nice guy may try to gradually become your friend and see where things go.

Basically, you may be dealing with biased numbers. The mean guys are constantly looking for dates, but the nice guys are being nice and waiting. If you are only dating guys who ask you out and make a move, you may end up with a higher proportion of mean dates. While nice guys can and do make a move, a majority of your “leads” are probably from the less desirable class of men.

They Are Making Bad Assumptions

Some guys assume that a beautiful woman gets handed everything in life. This makes them automatically derisive and rude to a pretty woman. If this is the case, it is not your fault. Like many of the previous examples, it does mean that you should avoid dating that guy. His stereotype won’t be easily changed, and he is probably going to continue his rudeness even after you point it out.


  1. I’m not proud to admit I am the loser, angry guy. I can be the nice guy. I find if you value whoever you are with: friend, father, sister, lover, you enjoy your own life more. I fear losing whatever I have, so I smash it down before it can grow, then kick myself for doing it. The hardest thing for the loser angry giy to do is forgive himself and love another. You have to let whoever you’re with help you and you have to trust them. You have to love yourself. And you have to move on. You have to be happy. It doesn’t make sense when punishment has been the norm for said loser. Threat of death hels too. 🙂 Loser be loved or loser get throat slit by other loser. Easy. Love yourself. Love another. Or die.

    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Please feel free to share more of your insights and experiences in the future. Have a great day, Andrew!

  2. I been married for 27 years and been in this fucked up marriage and dont know how to get out…i left a dozen times and always came back…everyone tells me the same get out…i cook clean make sure he has everything he needs…clean house cloths..why is it so hard to leave fustreded…hes rude he never has anything nice to say….

    • You are in an abusive relationship and have chosen to leave and return to this relationship. The people in your life have also recognized that you are in a relationship that is a relationship. End this relationship, as your life may be in danger. The only person who can make this decision for you, is you. Take this time to determine what you want for your future. Have a great day, Chena!

  3. I have random men (especially elderly dudes) in public being rude to me also female friends. Why do you think that is? Almost like trying to embarrass me. Whats going on? Thanks for writing and answering about this subject. I mean I’m fairly attractive, I have modeled. I dont brag or am rude. Why do people have such low self esteem? I rarely get anything I want if that’s what they’re thinking. Ok, I hope u know the answer 😃

    • It is possible that these people are interested in in developing a relationship with you, but choose to treat you without respect. They may be teasing, but they may be unable to share their humor. These actions may be negative or positive, but ensure that they influence you in a positive direction. Treat everyone in your life with kindness and compassion. Have a great day, Ana!

  4. Great article. I don’t understand why some men feel like they have to put women down to feel better about themselves. Why can’t some men admit they need help from a woman? And why can’t they just be able to have an equal partnership? It’s 2018. Yet I think most men truly want to dominate women in all aspects and they want a woman to need them for money, protection, whatever. How about be nice and respectful to women then they’ll want to be around you instead of being angry, mean, moody, disrespectful most of the time then occasionally maybe be sweet. I want my soulmate that loves me and listens to me not someone who just wants me to sit down shut up and cook, clean whatever.

    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You are correct, it is best to have a relationship founded on respect. Please feel free to share more of your insights and experiences in the future. Have a great day, Liz!

  5. Hello i was acquainted with a neurologist one year ago.he asked me my job and my age.then he gave me her phone to communicate if i have any question by Telegram.he has chosen beautiful quotes based on our common events.last week i said her i like him .he said me because of my job i am independent to any women just only they want to have sex with me…..so if you agree with it i am at your service ….he said me you are married and i am married and it is against iranian culture to be in relationship so closely…..i am angry with him and i think he contempted me

    • The two of you are married. You should not attempt to develop a relationship with him. Allow thoughts of him to fade. Focus your emotional energy elsewhere. There is nothing to be gained from developing a romantic relationship with someone while you either person is married. Have a great day, Afsaneh!

  6. In answer to all the posts about rude men (this also refers to women). A lot
    of men, and women, are rude because it is there nature or is a learned behavior. Usually they are not going to change because it is ingrained in them to be rude. They get away with being rude. They know that it’s demeaning and/or funny. Best to stay away from these people. They have to want to change. For your self esteem do not get involved with them. Look for a quality person who cares abut you, and does not want to hurt you. Always keep in mind that you are not going to change them!

    • Thank you for sharing your insights and experiences. You are correct, the people who choose to behave in a negative and harmful manner should be avoided. Please feel free to share more of your supportive comments in the future. Have a great day, Susan!

  7. I would like to thank the first commentar for sharing the truth with all us confused nice girls. I truly commend and respect you for taking full accountability for your actions. Most guys REFUSE to. Please know that YOU DO deserve a good woman so even if you have to do it afraid go after the one you know you deserve and get out of sabotage mode altogether. She may be afraid too. Just give love a FAIR chance, okay?

    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. We always appreciate when members of our community share their insights and experiences. Please share more of your supportive comments in the future. Have a great day, Kaye!

  8. I can’t be bothered with men and women sometimes women use there friends and men use women to get what they want I’m done with this new society ✌️

    • I feel you. There are definitely some difficult people out there! When you do find friends you love and trust, hold them close!


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